When you see a guy reach for stars in the sky
You can bet that he's doin' it for some doll
When you spot a John waiting out in the rain
Chances are he's insane as only a John can be for a Jane
When you meet a gent paying all kinds of rent
For a flat that could flatten the Taj Mahal
Call it sad, call it funny
But it's better than even money that the guy's only doin' it for some doll
Your eyes are the eyes
Of a woman in love
And oh how they give you away
Why try to deny
You're a woman in love
When I know very well
What I say?
I got the horse right here, the name is Paul Revere
And here's a guy that says if the weather's clear
Can do, can do
This guy says the horse can do
If he says the horse can do
Can do, can do
I'm pickin' Valentine cos on the mornin' line
The guy has got him figured at five to nine
But look at Epitaph, he wins it by a half
According to this here in the Telegraph
For Paul Revere I'll bite, I hear his foot's all right
Of course it all depends if it rained last night
I know it's Valentine, the morning works look fine
You know, the jockey's brother's a friend of mine
And just a minute, boys I got the feedbox noise
It says the great-grandfather was Equipoise
I tell you Paul Revere, now this is no bum steer
It's from a handicapper that's real sincere
I'm pickin' Valentine cos on the mornin' line
The guy has got him figured at five to nine
So make it Epitaph, he wins it by a half
According to this here in the Telegraph
- Epitaph! - Valentine!
Paul Revere!
I got the horse
Right here!
Follow the fold and stray no more
Stray no more, stray no more
Put down the bottle and we'll say no more
- Follow, follow the fold - Before you take another swallow
Follow the fold and stray no more
Stray no more, stray no more
Tear up your poker deck and play no more
Follow, follow the fold
Friends, my name is Sarah Brown.
This is no place to make a speech and I'm not gonna try.
You don't wanna be told how unhappy you are.
You don't wanna be told about the emptiness of your lives.
You who drink too much,
you who gamble at cards and dice and horse racing.
Let us help you not to lose your money in gambling dens and bookie joints.
- This doll has captured my attention. - Let us give you strength to stop drinking.
- She has lost me. - Welcome to the Save-A-Soul Mission.
- Just around the corner. - Come to me.
- You're gonna call me a liar. - A special prayer meeting this Thursday.
Because today I'm givin' away solid gold watches for one dollar each.
That's right, my friends. A solid gold watch for one buck.
Remember - all that glitters is not gold.
More to be desired are the judgments of heaven.
- Gold is not enough. - You say it's not enough?
All right. Today only, I include a nailbrush with a solid ivory top.
Then, my friends, a built-in genuine magnetic compass. There you are.
When you brush your nails, do you wonder where you're goin',
north, east, south or west?
Which way are you going? Down, down, down, or up to salvation?
Come to the mission and find out. Absolutely free.
Absolutely free. The nailbrush is absolutely free. Don't crowd. Don't push.
There's plenty of room for everybody.
There's room for everybody in the kingdom of heaven, too.
Now, folks, I don't care whether you buy it or not, because I'm...
Let's pack up.
Did you notice how this time a lot of 'em stayed till halfway through your talk?
If we could only sell them salvation for a buck -
solid gold, with an ivory top and a built-in compass.
Sarah, you don't suppose by any chance those watches could really be solid gold?
Uncle Arvide, don't you dare.
A solid gold watch for one buck.
Harry the Horse!
Benny Southstreet! Since when do ya yell out the name of a person
- in the open air full of police? - It was a friendly impulse. I lost my head.
If I do not like you so much this would now be a fact.
- You know Nicely-Nicely Johnson? - How goes everything?
Nicely-nicely, thank you.
I have been waitin' to hear from Nathan Detroit.
What will be the location of his crap game?
We don't know yet. Nathan's been lookin' around, but he is very hard to please.
Confidentially, Harry, the heat is on very hot here, and it is making Nathan sweat.
That's too bad. I would dislike to take my trade elsewhere,
but I am loaded and lookin' for action.
I've just acquired 5,000 fish.
5,000?
If it can be told, where did you take on this fine bundle of lettuce?
I have nothin' to hide.
I collected the reward on my father.
It is an advantage to have a successful father.
Nobody ever wanted my old man for as much as 500.
I'm worried about Nathan. Harry the Horse is not the only one.
There's a lotta loose money around and everybody's lookin' for some action.
If Nathan doesn't find a place...
Why, Lieutenant Brannigan!
Mr Southstreet, it is Lieutenant Brannigan
of the New York City Police Department.
Have either of you seen Nathan Detroit?
- Which Nathan Detroit is that? - Your boss Nathan Detroit,
the one who runs a floating crap game.
- Floating? - On a boat?
One that moves to a different spot every night so the police can't break it up.
- Sounds like a very difficult thing to do. - You should know.
It's your job to rustle up the customers and tell them where it is.
Especially with a famous detective putting on the heat.
And you can give just that message to Detroit.
Brannigan says he's not going to find a spot for his crap game
because Brannigan's put on the heat
and Brannigan's breathing down everybody's neck.
Nathan, you're lucky. You just missed Brannigan.
- I'm lucky. I missed Brannigan. - He left a message. He said...
I am not going to find a place for my crap game
because everybody knows Brannigan has turned on the heat
and is breathing down everybody's neck.
That's what he said.
You tried the regular places? Won't they take a chance, seeing it's you?
Seeing it's me, no. Except one. Joey Biltmore's garage.
Joey said he might take a chance... for 1,000 bucks.
- 1,000? - In advance and in cash.
- He would not even take my marker. - This I do not believe.
Joey Biltmore will not take your marker.
You got no idea what a breath this Brannigan has got.
A marker's not just a piece of paper saying:
"I owe you 1,000. Signed, Nathan Detroit."
A marker is the one pledge which a guy cannot welsh on, never.
It's like not saluting the flag.
It does not seem possible. Me without a livelihood.
Why, I've been running the crap game since I was a juvenile delinquent.
But, Nathan, the situation is desperate.
- You have got to think of something. - My only thought costs 1,000 bucks.
I cannot even afford to think.
I'm broke. I'm so broke I couldn't even buy a present for Adelaide today.
Is it her birthday?
It is mine and Adelaide's 14th anniversary.
We are engaged 14 years today.
Concentrate on the game.
The town is up to here with high players. The Greek's in town.
- Brandy Bottle Bates! - I know, I know.
I could make a fortune, but to make a fortune I need a fortune.
1,000 bucks!
Where do I get it?
The Biltmore garage wants a grand
But we ain't got a grand on hand
And they now have a lock on the door
To the gym at Public School 84
There's the stockroom behind McClosky's Bar
But Mrs McClosky ain't a good scout
And things bein' how they are
The back of the police station is out
So the Biltmore garage is the spot
But the 1,000 bucks we ain't got
Why, it's good old reliable Nathan
Nathan, Nathan, Nathan Detroit
If you're looking for action, he'll furnish the spot
Even when the heat is on, it's never too hot
Not for good old reliable Nathan
For it's always just a short walk
To the oldest-established permanent
Floating crap game in New York
There are well-heeled shooters everywhere, everywhere
There are well-heeled shooters everywhere
And an awful lot of lettuce
For the fella who can get us there
If we only had a lousy little grand
We could be a millionaire
Good old reliable Nathan
Nathan, Nathan, Nathan Detroit
If the size of your bundle you want to increase
I'll arrange that you go broke in quiet and peace
In a hide-out provided by Nathan
Where there are no neighbours to squawk
It's the oldest-established permanent
Floating crap game in New York
Where's the action?
Where's the game?
Gotta have the game or we'll die from shame
It's the oldest-established permanent
Floating crap game in
New York
Gentlemen, I am deeply touched by your faith and loyalty.
Gentlemen, do not worry. Nathan Detroit's crap game will float again.
Nathan! Guess who's sittin' in Mindy's right now, eatin' a steak breakfast.
- Hitler. - Wrong. Sky Masterson.
Sky Masterson's in town. This should be the greatest crap game of your career.
- Where's it gonna be? - City Hall. The mayor's office.
- What time? - We will leave you know, Angie.
Sky Masterson, the highest player of 'em all. What a spot I'm in.
- Does he bet higher than the Greek? - Why do you think they call him Sky?
Once, with my own eyes, I saw him bet 5,000 bucks
that one raindrop'd beat another raindrop down the window.
Once he was sick and would not take penicillin.
He bet his fever would go to 104.
- Always makes crazy bets like that. - Did he win?
Him and his crazy bets. He got lucky. It went to 106.
So why don't I bet him?
Why don't I bet him 1,000 bucks on somethin'?
Max, what's the matter no Danish today?
It's a holiday in Denmark. How do I know?
- For years you been bringing me Danish. - So we ain't got Danish today.
I'm bringing you cheesecake. You want strudel, I'll bring strudel.
- I don't like strudel. - So eat the cheesecake.
Live it up a little!
I do not understand you. Everyone's crazy about Mindy's cheesecake and strudel.
They must sell thousands of portions every day.
That's just it. Everybody's on cheesecake and strudel.
Makes me feel like I'm playing the favourite.
Playing the favourite...
Nicely, Benny, go into the kitchen and find out exactly how many pieces
of cheesecake they sold yesterday - also how many pieces of strudel.
How much cheesecake? How much strudel?
What do you wanna know for?
I'm investigatin' for the FBI. Go!
Brannigan! Stop breathing down my neck.
- Why, Nathan! - Adelaide. Doll!
Nathan, how could you think I was Lieutenant Brannigan?
We don't even use the same perfume.
I was kinda daydreaming, I guess.
I don't dream about detectives, Nathan, even in the daytime.
Do you know what I dream about? You.
And your career as a businessman in a normal business.
And our career together as a normal husband and wife.
Gesundheit. Your cold does not seem to be getting any better.
It comes and goes, comes and goes. It's just a chronic condition.
Even if it is, it sure hangs on.
Nathan... speaking of chronic conditions...
Happy anniversary.
Guess what's inside.
- 1,000 bucks? - I only wish it was.
Go on. Open it up.
"Mr Nathan Detroit. General Manager."
- General manager of what? - Whatever you set your mind on, Nathan.
I have faith.
Adelaide, I...
I do not have a present for you.
Oh, I don't mind, Nathan, if you don't give me a present.
It makes me feel like we were married.
Nathan, darling, there isn't anything I couldn't do without.
Just as long as you don't start running that crap game again.
Crap game? Adelaide. Didn't I promise you?
- 1200 cheesecake and 1500 strudel. - What?
Yesterday Mindy sold 1200 cheesecake and 1500 strudel.
More strudel than cheesecake. Are you sure?
- Straight from the baker's mouth. - What is this?
Statistics. Things a businessman has to have at his fingertips.
- Any news? - Not yet. I will leave you know.
I'm gettin' impatient, Detroit.
- And what was that about? - His wife's havin' a baby.
But why is he asking you?
He's nervous. It's his first wife.
I'm expecting a fellow on important business.
Suddenly I get a suspicion you are trying to get rid of me.
No, doll, no. But this fella does big business.
- Supermarket? - Super, super.
With him, business is business, and dolls make him nervous.
Besides, you're late for your rehearsal. Take Adelaide to the Hot Box. In a cab.
- It's only a few blocks. - The streets are covered with tourists
and I do not want you molested.
Nathan, darling, you are the most thoughtful man that ever lived.
- But who's gonna pay for the cab? - I am, of course.
Sky Masterson.
- Detroit. - Can I believe my eyes? Is it you?
- How goes your percentage of life? - Not bad, not bad. And you?
- Healthy at the moment. - Sit for a minute. Relax. Talk.
Or maybe you're in a hurry.
My daddy always said there's only one time a man should be in a hurry.
When the cops are comin' up the stairs.
How about a coffee? Maybe a piece of cheesecake?
Thanks. I'm pleased to hear things go well with you, Nathan.
From communiqués received in Las Vegas,
we understood that Brannigan was corkin' up the town.
Who worries about Brannigan?
- How was Vegas? - Paradise for two weeks.
I gambled in green pastures, the dice were my cousins
and the dolls were agreeable with nice teeth and no last names.
You are sure I cannot offer you cheesecake or strudel?
No, thanks. I just ate.
- How long you gonna be in town? - Only tonight. Tomorrow I fly to Havana.
Sky, don't think I am a pest, but do yourself a favour -
eat this last little bite of cheesecake. You will thank me.
Honestly, I couldn't swallow a mouthful.
- How is Adelaide? - Fine.
I suppose one of these days you'll get married.
- We all gotta go sometime. - But, Nathan, we can fight it.
The companionship of a doll is pleasant even for a period running into months.
But for a close relationship that can last through our life,
no doll can take the place of aces back to back.
Still, you will admit that Mindy's cheesecake is the greatest alive.
Gladly. Furthermore, I am quite partial to Mindy's cheesecake.
And yet, although you might disagree, many people prefer Mindy's strudel.
Do you disagree?
It is my understanding that the Constitution
allows everybody the free choice between cheesecake and strudel.
I would be interested to hear.
Offhand, would you say that Mindy sells more cheesecake or more strudel?
Going strictly by my personal preference, I'd say more cheesecake than strudel.
For how much?
- What? - For how much?
Why, Nathan! I never knew you to lay money on the line.
You always take your bite off the top.
1,000 bucks says that yesterday Mindy sold more strudel than cheesecake.
- Nathan, let me tell you a story. - Have we got a bet?
On the day I left home to make my way in the world, my daddy took me to one side.
"Son," my daddy says to me,
"I am sorry I am not able to bankroll you to a large start,
but not having the necessary lettuce to get you rolling,
instead, I'm going to stake you to some very valuable advice."
"One of these days, a guy is going to show you a brand-new deck of cards
on which the seal is not yet broken."
"Then this guy is going to offer to bet you that he can make the jack of spades
jump out of this brand-new deck of cards and squirt cider in your ear."
"But, son, you do not accept this bet because, as sure as you stand there,
you're going to wind up with an ear full of cider."
Now, Nathan, I do not suggest that you have been clocking Mindy's cheesecake.
- Would I do such a thing? - However, if you are looking for action,
I will bet you the same 1,000 that you cannot name the colour tie you have on.
Have we got a bet?
No bet.
Polka dots. In the whole world, nobody but Nathan Detroit
could blow 1,000 bucks on polka dots.
- Hi, Sky. - Nice to see you.
- How goes it? - Healthy. And with you, Nicely?
Nicely-nicely, thanks. Nathan?
What's the matter, Nathan? You look sick.
The cheesecake backed up on him.
Maybe that's why they told us they sell more strudel.
Adelaide gave us a message for you. Be sure and pick her up after the show.
- And don't be late. - Yes, dear.
- I mean, OK. - Yes, dear?
This is husband talk if I ever heard it.
You are trapped because Adelaide is a doll that is most difficult to unload.
I don't want to unload her. I love her.
A guy without a doll... If a guy does not have a doll, who would holler on him?
- A doll is a necessity. - I am not putting the knock on dolls.
But they are something to have only when they come in handy, like cough drops.
And the proof that I am right is that dolls are available as far as the eye can see.
Not dolls like Adelaide.
Nathan, nothing personal and no offence, but, weight for age, all dolls are the same.
- All dolls are the same, huh? - As far as the eye can see.
It seems to me the one place a doll would come in handy would be in Havana.
So how come you ain't got one? How come you are going alone, without a doll?
A matter of choice. I choose to travel alone,
but if I wish to take a doll, the supply is more than Woolworths has got beads.
- Not high-class dolls. - There's only one class: interchangeable.
A doll is a doll. All dolls, any doll. You name her.
Any doll? Will you bet on that? Will you bet 1,000 bucks that if I name a doll,
you can take the same doll to Havana with you tomorrow?
You've got yourself a bet.
I name her.
- Her? - Sergeant Sarah Brown.
Daddy! I got cider in my ear.
It is my fault, you know.
It's not the mission. It's me.
I can't do the job that has to be done. I'm a failure.
I'd be doing the right thing if I resigned and went back home to Boston.
Sarah... should you be able to bend a solid gold watch?
- Of course not. - That's what I thought.
Why do you want to go home? There aren't any sinners in Boston?
What have I accomplished here?
Thousands of depraved characters,
and after months of hard work an empty mission!
Sarah, I'm ashamed of you. Just because the riffraff of Broadway
didn't break down that door when they heard you were in charge of this mission.
These aren't small-town delinquents who drink too much on Saturday night.
You're up against the devil's first-string troops, a whole army of devil's disciples.
- Do you take sinners here? - At any time of the day or night, son.
Come right in and sit down.
- Cup of coffee and a doughnut? - Just coffee, thanks.
I am not here because I am poor and hungry... not for food, that is.
"Blessed are they which do hunger after righteousness." Is that it?
Hunger and thirst after righteousness. Yes, sir. That's it.
My name's Arvide Abernathy. The young lady at the desk is Sergeant Sarah Brown.
To you, we're Brother Arvide and Sister Sarah. Sit down, son.
- How do you do? - Brother Sky. Hello, Sister Sarah.
- Is that your name? Sky? - Sky Masterson.
What is it that troubles you, Mr Masterson?
- Brother Sky. - I gather you are not in need of money.
I'm healthy at the moment. It can change. Are only the unhappy poor welcome?
What are you unhappy about, son?
Gambling.
Apparently you're a successful gambler.
Is it wrong to gamble, or only to lose?
- I'll come back for help when I'm broke. - Don't misunderstand.
It's just so unusual for a successful sinner to be unhappy about sin.
Besides, my unhappiness came up very suddenly. Maybe it'll go away again.
We can keep you unhappy, son. Give us a chance.
You don't look like a gambler at heart. What made you take it up?
Evil companions. Evil companions who are always offering me sucker bets.
- Just what is a sucker bet? - A bet that is reserved for suckers.
For a gambler to get sucked in on such a bet is most humiliating.
But to lose it means that you are marked for a very long time as a chump.
You must go all out to win it.
Is that so terrible, to be marked as a chump?
Among my people, being a chump is like losing your citizenship.
A chump is an outsider, a yokel who will buy anything with varnish on it.
Like a solid gold watch for a dollar?
This is a real chump.
Well, I think I'll get some rest before we go out again.
Brother Sky, I'm glad you found us. You stay here and talk to Sister Sarah.
Whatever your problems are, she'll have the answers.
- I hope so. - I know so.
If there's one thing Sister Sarah never fails in,
it's solving other people's problems.
What did he mean by that?
The way he said you never fail in solving other people's problems.
Haven't we changed places, Mr Masterson?
- Brother Sky. - Aren't we supposed...
Why do you have trouble calling me Brother Sky?
We're supposed to be discussing your problems.
Maybe non-sinners also have problems.
If you are sincerely interested in giving up gambling, Mr... Brother Sky,
reading these pamphlets will help you.
My daddy said reading pamphlets never made anybody give up anything.
Now, I had a more personal help in mind.
There's a midnight prayer meeting on Thursday.
The day after tomorrow. Who's going to help me until then?
Well, our doors are always open. Come in any time.
You know what I think, Sister Sarah?
I think you not only don't wanna help me, but you're against me.
I'm afraid that is true. I'm afraid I don't trust you, Mr Masterson.
- Brother Sky. - Mr Masterson.
You don't believe I'm a sinner.
I'm prepared to believe you're the biggest sinner I've ever met in my life.
But you don't believe I want to repent.
Is that it?
All of a sudden you want a cup of coffee.
Did it ever occur to you that some people could be all repentance and no sin?
You know, I may start a chain of missions to help your kind.
"Come all ye repenters and let us bring a little sin into your life."
"There is no peace unto the wicked. Proverbs." This is wrong.
Let's say it's a matter of opinion, shall we?
I made a statement of fact. It's wrong.
How dare you! Even if this is not a church, it is a mission.
- How dare you blaspheme. - How dare you misquote the Bible.
This is not Proverbs.
- Of course it's Proverbs. - Isaiah.
Chapter 57, verse 20 or 21.
Would you like to bet on it? Not money, just a nice sociable bet?
Isaiah?
Only one thing has been in as many hotel rooms as I have - the Gideon Bible.
Never tangle with me on the Good Book. I must have read it a dozen times.
- If all that was no help to you... - Who says it wasn't?
In one of my blackest moments I came up with a three-horse parlay.
Shadrach, Meshach and Abednego.
- Mr Masterson, why did you come here? - I told you, I'm an unhappy sinner.
- Excuse me, but you're a liar. - Lying is not one of my sins.
I am not in the market for a one-dollar solid gold watch.
All right. We'll lay it on the line.
- We'll deal the hand open. - Could you say that in English?
I'm sure you've earned your stripes in combat against the devil.
- There's no need to be sarcastic. - But not on this battlefield
against the devil's first-line troops.
You can't get at the enemy. This mission is laying an egg.
- You have no way of knowing. - I've got lots of ways.
You are stuck with a store full of repentance and no customers.
Without sinners to repent, repentance doesn't exist.
So you're stuck with a store full of nothing. Do I give you a fair rundown?
I wouldn't know. I've never had a rundown.
- Would you be open to a proposition? - I've had those. No.
Don't flatter yourself. I'm talking business.
I am in a position to supply the raw material you need for your work.
- Namely sinners. - How?
That's my work. Now when is this big midnight meeting of yours?
Thursday. I guarantee to supply that meeting with one dozen genuine sinners.
- Whether they repent or not is up to you. - Thank you. That's a fair rundown.
Now, if you will excuse me...
Just a minute, Sister Sarah.
This is not a charity contribution. This is a business transaction.
Something you want for something I want.
And what is that?
Have dinner with me tomorrow night.
Why should that be something you want?
Well, maybe because I think I'll be hungry tomorrow night.
- Keep this. It's my marker. - Your what?
My marker. My IOU for one dozen genuine sinners delivered as described.
- I will pick you up tomorrow at noon. - At noon to go to dinner?
It takes time to get there. We're going to my favourite restaurant - El Café Cabana.
Where's that?
- Havana. - Havana, Cuba?
- Well, what other Havanas are there? - You wanna take me to dinner in Cuba?
- Well, they eat in Cuba, same as we do. - What do you take me for? A chump?
- Isaiah's on the other side. - Get out.
What are they worth to ya? One dozen genuine sinners ready for salvation.
What are they worth to you? A chicken salad in the tearoom?
One last word, Sergeant. I don't want you to walk out of this room
thinking you're upset because some black-hearted sinner made advances...
- It's none of your business what I think. - ..to a virtuous lady with a white soul.
Any sinful thoughts present in this room at this time come out of you, doll, not me.
You're quite right. I'm nothing but a repressed, neurotic girl -
I've read books on the subject - who is abnormally attracted to sin,
and so abnormally afraid of it. You're not the first man to try that approach.
I am happy to know that I am not the first man who tried to approach in any way.
- You're not even close. - I imagine you've succeeded
in blocking all possible approaches.
Except for a few that you wouldn't know about, I'm afraid.
Well, of course, I only know the ones on the outskirts of society.
What are the approaches like on the inskirts?
All paved with honourable intentions?
- I wonder what he'll be like. - Who?
That upright, downright, forthright square with his close-shaved chin up,
who right now, somewhere, is marching along the proper approach to proper you.
- What'll he be like? - He will not be a gambler, for one thing.
I can name better than you the things he won't be, but what will he be?
- How will you know when he gets to you? - Don't worry. I'll know.
For I've imagined every bit of him
From his strong moral fibre
To the wisdom in his head
To the homey aroma of his pipe
You have wished yourself a small-town Galahad
The breakfast-eating four-button type
And I shall meet him when the time is ripe
I'll know
When my love comes along
I won't take a chance
For, oh
He'll be just what I need
Not some fly-by-night Broadway romance
And you'll know at a glance by the two pair of pants
I'll know
By his calm, steady voice
Those feet on the ground
I'll know
As I run to his arms
That at last I've come home
Safe and sound
And till then I shall wait
And till then I'll be strong
For I'll know
When my love
Comes along
Mine will come as a surprise to me
Mine I leave to chance and chemistry
- Chemistry? - Yeah, chemistry.
Suddenly I'll know
When my love comes along
I'll know then and there
I'll know
At the sight of her face
How I care, how I care, how I care
And I'll stop
And I'll stare
And I'll know
Long before we can speak
I'll know
In my heart
I'll know
And I won't ever ask
Am I right? Am I wise? Am I smart?
But I'll stop
And I'll stare
At that face
In the throng
Yes, I'll know
When my love
Comes along
Well, that makes it necessary for me to drop back again.
Matthew 5:39.
Don't bother looking it up. It's the bit about the other cheek.
I know, Joey. But the 1,000 bucks is guaranteed.
What? It's a bet I cannot lose.
I bet Sky Masterson he could not take a certain doll to Havana with him.
Not this doll.
Now for the grand finale of our round-the-world revue,
the Hot Box takes you out to the alley with Miss Adelaide and her Alley Kittens.
One meow, two meow, three meow, scat!
What's the initial of my pet tomcat?
Is it A, B, C, D, E, F, G?
Is it H or J or L, M, N, O, P?
Is it L, M, N, O, P, Q, R, S, T?
No, it's you! You're the cat for me!
You know you've been mean to me
And you know when you're mean to me
How it always makes me wanna roam
And you know there's a danger
That some gentle stranger
Might pick me up and make me feel at home
So pet me, Poppa
Poppa, pet me nice
Ooh, pet me, Poppa
- Poppa, melt the ice - And you know how
If you don't want me out roamin' the city
Talk to me pretty - here, kitty kitty!
And pet me, Poppa
Poppa, pet me nice
Ooh, pet me, Poppa
Poppa, pet me good
Mm, pet me, Poppa
- Proper, like you should - And you know how
If you care to keep me home by the fire
Specially when it's time to retire
Then pet me, Poppa
Poppa, pet me good
Warm up my saucer of milk
And maybe I'll purr
Lay out my cushion of silk
Don't rumple my fur
- Just reach over and... - Pet me, Poppa
Poppa, melt the ice
If you don't want me out roamin' the city
Talk to me pretty - here, kitty kitty!
And pet me, Poppa
That's my good advice
Pet me, Poppa
Poppa, pet me
That'll get me! Pet me, Poppa
Poppa, pet me nice
I gotta hang up. Can I tell the guys that the game'll be at your garage tomorrow?
I would gladly pay you in advance, but I will not get the money until tomorrow.
I've got to have time to spread the word around.
Joey, listen to...
Yes, Joey.
Drop dead, Joey.
Oh, Nathan, darling!
You got here early.
It's so thrilling to find you waiting for me.
Just like we were married and I was coming home from work.
You wouldn't make me stop working, would you, Nathan?
That would be cruel. A doll like you could earn good money for another ten years.
- Easy. - Sweet!
And you were reading my book, too.
See? I told you reading don't make people go blind.
It's very interesting, isn't it?
What is? Oh, the book. Yeah.
The doctor gave it to me. He said it might help me get rid of my cold.
- With a book? - He thinks that my cold might possibly
be caused by psychology.
How does he know you got psychology?
Nathan! Everybody has got it.
And female psychology explains why certain girls do certain kinds of things.
It's all in the book.
Must be some book.
Would it, for instance, tell you what kind of a doll
would go for a certain kind of a guy which you wouldn't think she would?
Nathan! No matter how terrible a fella seems,
you can never be sure that some girl won't go for him.
Take us.
Get dressed. We'll go eat.
Starting with next week, Nathan, I will be getting a raise in salary.
Where does it say what different dolls do?
You're not even listening to me.
Gesundheit.
I will be making enough so that we can finally get married.
What do you think?
Of course we'll get married. Sooner or later.
Nathan, after 14 years it is already too late to be sooner.
And if it gets much later, soon it will be too late even to be later.
Gesundheit.
Besides, Nathan, I don't know what to do any more about Mother.
- Mother? What about your mother? - This is something I haven't told you,
but my mother, back in Rhode Island,
she thinks that... that we are already married.
How could she think such a thing?
Maybe because I wrote her that we were already married.
- That would make her think so. - In Rhode Island
people do not remain engaged for 14 years.
- They get married. - So how come it's such a small state?
Furthermore, after about two years... after about two years we...
We got a divorce?
- We had a baby. - You wrote your mother we had a baby?
I had to, Nathan. Mother kept after me and after me
and finally I just ran out of excuses.
And what type baby was it?
It was a boy. I named it after you, Nathan.
- Thank you. - You're welcome.
Tell me, what has Nathan Junior been doing all these years?
Well... right now he's in boarding school.
As a matter of fact, I wrote Mother that he won the football game last Saturday.
I wish I had a bet on it.
But, Nathan...
That isn't all.
You're not going to say we also have an Adelaide Junior?
All these years, Nathan. Mother believes in big families, and...
And we had such an early start.
Just give me the grand total.
- Five. - Adelaide!
How could you do such a thing to a nice old broad like your mother?
Nathan, darling, let's just us get married
and I'll handle everything else. OK?
OK, doll. When we're ready.
Nathan, we are ready now. We have been ready for 14 years.
All we need now is a licence and a blood test.
- Blood test? - Don't worry, Nathan. You've got blood.
What a city! First they close my crap game and then they open my veins.
Nathan, you gave up the crap game.
Of course I did, doll. And you know why? For you. Because I love you.
Can I borrow some earrings?
It is customary, Laverne, to knock
when entering the private dressing room of an engaged person.
As far as I'm concerned, you are in here by yourself.
- May I borrow some earrings? - Diamonds or pearls?
- Diamonds. - Top drawer of the trunk. The big box.
Aren't they a little long, dear? Remember, you've got a short neck.
He's a tall man.
You! I'm all dated up with Society Max tomorrow night,
and he breaks it on account of your silly crap game.
Adelaide, look at me. I'm on my knees.
Oh, get up. It reminds me of your crap game.
Adelaide, doll!
You're getting yourself upset about nothin'.
It's a game I set up a long time ago. I couldn't get out of it.
Understand?
Look, we love each other. We're gonna get married.
We'll be happy.
Get out of my life, Nathan Detroit.
I knew you'd understand.
Gesundheit.
It says here:
The average unmarried female
Basically insecure
Due to some long frustration
May react
With psychosomatic symptoms
Difficult to endure
Affecting the upper respiratory tract
In other words, just from waiting around for that plain little band of gold
A person can develop a cold
You can spray her wherever you figure the streptococci lurk
You can give her a shot for whatever she's got but it just won't work
If she's tired of getting that fisheye from the hotel clerk
A person can develop a cold
It says here:
The female remaining single
Constantly in suspense
Shows a neurotic tendency
See note
See note? Note?
Chronic organic syndromes
Toxic or hypertense
Involving the eye, the ear, the nose and throat
In other words, just from wondering whether the wedding is on or off
A person can develop a cough
You can feed her all day with the vitamin A and the bromo fizz
But the medicine never gets anywhere near where the trouble is
If she's getting a kind of a name for herself and the name ain't his
A person can develop a cough
And furthermore, just from stalling and stalling and stalling the wedding trip
A person can develop la grippe
When they get on the train for Niagara
And she can hear church bells chime
The compartment is air-conditioned
And the mood sublime
Then they get off at Yonkers racetrack
For the 14th time
A person can develop la grippe
La grippe, la post-nasal drip
With the wheezes and the sneezes
And a sinus that's really a pip
From a lack of community property and a feeling she's getting too old
A person can develop a bad, bad cold
Follow the fold and stray no more
Stray no more, stray no more
Put down the bottle and we'll say no more
One minute earlier you would have witnessed
Miss Sarah give Sky Masterson a 100% brushoff.
So the 1,000 for Joey is practically in your pocket.
- You should be jumping for joy. - I'm jumpin'.
You got work to do. Arrangements to make.
- A shave and a hot towel'll fix you up. - For who should I have a shave?
- For who should I have a hot towel? - Do you know what is at stake here?
Nathan Detroit's crap game. Because of a doll.
I cannot believe a number one businessman like you
could let himself fall in love with his own fiancée.
So Adelaide is my weakness! Can you not be tolerant that I have got a weakness?
Especially since this is a sad condition that guys are in all over the world? Look.
What's playin' at the Roxy? I'll tell you what's playin' at the Roxy
It's a picture about a Minnesota man so in love with a Mississippi girl
That he sacrifices everything and moves all the way to Biloxi
That's what's playin' at the Roxy
What's in the Daily News? I'll tell you what's in the Daily News
Story about a guy who bought his wife a small ruby
With what otherwise would have been his union dues
That's what's in the Daily News
What's happenin' all over? I'll tell you what's happenin' all over
Guys sitting home by a television set who used to be something of a rover
That's what's happening all over
Love is the thing that has licked them
And it looks like I'm just another victim
Yes, sir.
When you see a guy reach for stars in the sky
You can bet that he's doin' it for some doll
When you spot a John waitin' out in the rain
Chances are he's insane as only a John can be for a Jane
When you meet a gent payin' all kinds of rent
For a flat that could flatten the Taj Mahal
Call it sad, call it funny
But it's better than even money that the guy's only doin' it for some doll
When you see a Joe savin' half of his dough
You can bet there'll be mink in it for some doll
When a bum buys wine like a bum can't afford
It's a cinch that the bum is under the thumb of some little broad
When you meet a mug lately out of the jug
And he's still liftin' platinum folderol
Call it hell, call it heaven
It's a probable twelve to seven that the guy's only doin' it for some doll
When you see a sport and his cash has run short
You can bet he's been blowin' it on some doll
When a guy wears tails with the front gleaming white
Who the heck do you think he's ticklin' pink on Saturday night?
When some lazy slob gets a good steady job
And he smells from Vitalis and Barbasol
Call it dumb, call it clever
Ah, but you can give odds for ever that the guy's only doin' it for some doll
Some doll, some doll
The guy's only doin' it for some doll
Well, I think we finally managed to shake off the prince of darkness.
You certainly discouraged him.
I certainly did.
Arvide.
General Cartwright, what a pleasant surprise.
- We didn't know you were in town. - A flying visit.
Flew in from Boston early this morning. Important luncheon meeting.
While waiting, thought I'd check a few of our outposts informally.
I'm surprised the mission was unattended in a neighbourhood as unsavoury as this.
Why should you be surprised? You've seen our records.
We don't seem to get anyone in here even to rob the place.
Yes.
Well, now that you've brought it up,
I must confess I have come for a purpose - an unhappy one, I'm afraid.
It doesn't look as if we accomplish anything, but in time...
Time, I'm afraid, is what we can no longer afford.
My good friends, after careful deliberation,
headquarters has decided to close this branch of the mission.
- Close the mission? - No, General. Please!
Even if I haven't made a success of it, someone will.
Sarah Brown, if you can't attract sinners, nobody can.
There are so many calls on us. So many other places where our work is needed.
How do you do?
- I don't believe we've met, Brother...? - Brother Sky Masterson. Former sinner.
I am General Cartwright, regional director of Save-A-Soul.
- Why isn't his name on the report? - What were you doing in there?
I was resting, Sister Sarah. I was going to ask Brother Arvide
if he might let me carry the drum when we go out again this afternoon.
On behalf of former sinners of the future, I protest the closing of this mission.
- General, I think I should explain to you... - Sarah, this man has a right to be heard.
Continue, Brother Sky.
General, would you be open to a proposition?
The general is flying back to Boston. She will not be available for dinner tonight.
Sarah, what are you talking about?
- What have you got in mind, young man? - Faith in Sister Sarah.
I ask you to give her 36 hours to show that she can make this mission pay off.
Saving souls should not be referred to as paying off.
- Why 36 hours? - Because he knows our big meeting,
36 hours from now, will be a great success.
Uncle Arvide!
But how can you guarantee that, Brother Sky?
Well, let's just say I have a feeling about it.
"If sinners entice thee, consent thou not." That's the wrong thought.
Where is yesterday's thought for today?
Top right-hand drawer.
Excuse me, General.
Before going to the expense of a meeting, you'd require more
than just a feeling that it will be successful.
It's a very strong feeling, General.
"There is no peace to the wicked." Isaiah 57:21. That is correct.
General, my proposition is this.
Why don't you come to the midnight meeting and find out for yourself?
Well, if I thought there was a chance of finding definite progress,
any sizeable turnout...
What do you think, Sister Sarah?
Don't you honestly believe this mission could be saved within the next 36 hours?
General Cartwright, I am in a position to guarantee you personally
at least one dozen genuine sinners.
Hallelujah!
Be sure you're wearing your carnation.
Remember, nobody gets in the crap game without they got a red carnation.
- It's like a password. Nathan's orders. - We got the flowers. Where is the action?
The minute Nathan arrives we're gonna...
He has arrived. Is it all set? Can I tell the customers it's Joey Biltmore's...
Not till I put the 1,000 in Joey's hand. And I haven't got it yet.
I sent Nicely to wait for Sky. When he gets the money, Nicely'll bring it back to me.
They won't stick around. They're getting nervous.
I'm not nervous?
Harry the Horse. How is everything in Brooklyn?
I hope, Detroit, that you will not spoil our evenin'.
I happen to be entertainin' a very prominent guest tonight.
I would like you to meet Big Jule from Chicago.
Big Jule, welcome to our fair city. In which, as you know, the heat is on.
However, if you will be patient, you will be provided with action.
What do you say? Shall we stick around or blow?
I come here to shoot crap. Let's shoot crap.
- Order another milkshake and relax. - Nathan!
Do not let the fact that Big Jule drinks milk give you any wrong ideas.
- Big Jule does not like to be displeased. - Why, Harry, did I give the impression
I was being rude to a guest with such a well-deserved reputation as Big Jule?
Big Jule, I am sure that you did not misunderstand my kidding remarks.
It's just that one look at your kindly face, which is so full of fun, good fellowship...
Could I have a swallow of your milk?
Well, well, well...
What have we here?
The jails must be empty tonight.
Can anybody be missing?
Harry the Horse, Liver Lips Louie,
Angie the Ox, Society Max...
And here is a face for which I cannot supply a name.
May I ask where you come from?
East Cicero, Illinois.
And what is your occupation there?
I'm a scoutmaster.
Don't ever help my mother across the street.
Such lovely red carnations.
Is it a funeral? Did somebody die suddenly that I don't know about yet?
What's on, Nathan? What brings all these senior delinquents together?
- They got Ionely. How do I know? - Why are they all wearing carnations?
- They are also all wearing pants. - You are up to no good, Detroit!
Is it a crime to wear flowers? Is Mindy's suddenly a hideout for gangsters?